Routine in the Eyes of a Shinigami
by Ayama-chi 4
Summary: No matter what befall Meifu life, or rather death, would eventually return to a comforting routine. That's what Tatsumi Seiichiru always believed. Until the day Tsuzuki was kidnapped right under their noses. Tatsumi/Tsuzuki. Rated for torture and angst.
1. Routine In The Eyes of a Shinigami

**Name****:** Routine In The Eyes of a Shinigami  
**Fandom****:** Yami No Matsuei  
**Rating**: R, mostly for torture, agnst and gore. There's also a bit of yummy fluff, but nothing explicit.  
**Summary:** No matter what befall Meifu life, or rather death, would eventually return to a comforting routine. That's what Tatsumi Seiichiru always believed. Until the day Tsuzuki was kidnapped right under their noses.  
**Pairing**: Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Timeline**: anime - set after the end of the series. Manga - set just before Hisoka goes in search of Riko.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yami No Matsuei.  
******A/N:** The story is unfortunately unbetad. If anyone wants to volunteer they're more than welcome.

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**Routine In The Eyes Of A Shinigami**

Chapter 1: Routine In The Eyes Of A Shinigami

However strange the idea of Meifu was when first encountering it, there was something calming in the way some things could be trusted to always remain the same. For example, you could always trust Watari Yutaka to emerge shamed face and covered with dust after a failed lab experiment, just as you could always trust a calm and collected Tatsumi Seiichiru to harshly remind his that he costs them more then Tsuzuki does (which said a lot in his eyes) after making sure that the blond and his ever present owl pet were all right. If listening carefully you could always hear Hisoka Kurosaki yells at Tsuzuki Asato "BAKA" at the top of his lungs, just as you could see said Tsuzuki smile at him as sweetly as the cookie he was just eating. Not to mention flying ducks in nightgown were a completely ordinary sight in the busy office.

No matter what befall Meifu, life (or rather death) would eventually return to this comforting routine, however strange and disturbing to the outsider, and neither bombs nor wars could shatter it.

Yet at that fateful day no wars and no bombs were needed to bring this perfect order to a sudden end.

That Friday was a quiet morning of cherry blossoms and lab explosions. Nothing seemed out of ordinary when Tatsumi got up and went to the office. It was a quiet week for all Shinigami, so most of them used that time to compose their reports. He spend his day trying to decipher the scribbling notes that were supposed to be Tsuzuki's annual report and how he can deduct as little as possible from Warati's already waning salary for his recent invention.

And then the shadows at the corners of the room began to steer. It wasn't that unusual for the shadows to steer; they began a while ago and haven't stopped since. Only this time it was different, more intense and more urgent.

As trained a Kagetsukai as Tatsumi was, people found it strange he didn't spend more time communicating with the shadows. His peers thought it would be fascinating to learn the shadows' secrets yet he never saw it fit. They were his to command and knew his wished without him uttering a word. As their master they were always close enough to know every detail and aspect of his life – something he found most disturbing at times. Seldom did they speak to him and never without him commanding them to.

That was why he was surprised to hear them whispering from their corners, hissing his name. It took him zero concentration to summon them up, and he watched coldly as they slowly covered the shining floors of the office with darkness, swirling around his feet like a dog craving to please his master.

"We have news," they said. Tatsumi hated their voice, yet was experienced enough to know that when shadows spoke one must listen. Something was probably terribly wrong for them to address him like that.

"Speak," he ordered and felt himself being engulfed in their suffocating hug, the surprised and anxious eyes of his office peers disappearing once the darkness has completely surrounded him.

"Tsuzuki is in danger," the shadows had informed him, and he felt his world tilting. How could Tsuzuki be in any danger? Only an hour ago they've seen each other by the boss' door. Tsuzuki was fine, even complaining that he was tired trying to read in the library while flying ducks were trying to snatch his muffin from him. ("No food in the library, Tsuzuki-san!" he made an imitation). He was on his way home, perhaps at home already.

Meifu was safe. Even Sargatanas, the demon that took over Tsuzuki when he was guarding Hijiri, could not have fooled them. He would have known if there was something threatening him. Unless…

Unless the fool had gone down and got himself into trouble.

"Where is he?" Tatsumi asked urgently, a surge of panic rising within him.

"He is in a place where no shadows dare to follow. A place where black stands for darkness, not for lack of light. And there is evil there, a shadow not even you can command," was the replay.

"You will take me there nonetheless," Tsuzuki was in danger and nothing would keep him from helping. Yet, the shadows refused.

"We dare not approach," they cowered, and indeed no matter how hard he tried to concentrate he could not teleport through.

"I'm your master! You chose to obey me!" he called at them angrily, yet received only silence in return. He was so angry he felt them steer restlessly at his reaction, but still they did not retract their rebellious refusal.

"Fine!" he snapped eventually, blue eyes blazing behind his glasses, if only there was someone to glare at. "Do as you please, but you _will_ take me as close as you can."

This time his will was so strong that they couldn't resist.

The darkness retreated and he found himself back at the office, Watari's and Hisoka's eyes fixed on him questioningly. The others were standing disbelievingly, for they've never seen him use his powers before.

"Tatsumi-san…" Hisoka started but Tatsumi held out a hand to stop him mid-sentence.

"Tsuzuki is in danger," he said and reached out both his hands at them. Watari took the one hand with worry but no hesitation, while Hisoka looked at it and then at Tatsumi with bewilderment and suspicion.

"Well, go on. Are you going to stand there all day staring?" Tatsumi asked crossly.

"But why…" Hisoka was once again cut off.

"You can't teleport through the shadows without the Kagetsukai holding your hand. And since Tatsumi is our resident Kagetsukai… take his hand already!" Watari told him sharply and Hisoka quickly took the offered hand, earning a disapproving look from Tatsumi.

The green-eyed boy was new at Meifu and not even a year had passed since his death. He was still full of anger and bitterness at his unjust and untimely, unnatural demise. He would not trust anyone for a while, and it was a surprise that he had such a strong bond with Tsuzuki.

Watari was different. He had learned long ago to trust Tatsumi. Tatsumi was one of the few he knew that has the Shinigami's best interests in heart, especially Tsuzuki's. Watari would have followed him to the heart of all evil.

Quicker then human eye can catch the three of them disappeared and reappeared again in a deserted alley in Nagasaki. It was late afternoon and the dim light was making sight worse rather then helping. The stench of garbage standing too long in the sun and the stench of corpses was at first overwhelming, causing all three Shinigami to closed their eyes until the bile threatening to burst out had subsided.

Warati fixed his glasses further up his nose carefully and approached the human body lying in the middle of the alley. It was an unfortunate homeless, his decaying body currently surrounded by the bodies of smaller animals such as cats and mice. He could have been asleep in it not for the root in his flesh.

"Where are we?" Hisoka, who was watching Watari, turned to Tatsumi. The older man fixed him with a worried gaze.

"As close as can be." The idea of Tsuzuki somewhere near that place made Tatsumi shudder.

"There aren't any signs on the bodies," Watari reported after a close examination.

"So… they simply died?" Hisoka asked, confused and tense.

"Things don't just die like this. Something evil made them die. Evil leaves no marks on its victims," Watari corrected quietly.

"And that something has Tsuzuki as well," Tatsumi sighed, looking at the blond. Watari's head snapped up, his honeyed eyes filled with worry.

"What do you know of this? What are we facing here, Tatsumi?" he asked him, solemn and professional. You could barely recognize the laughing man he usually was.

"I don't know. The shadows refused to say. All they said was that it's something not even I can control. They refused to teleport us directly there because they would not go near it," he said, his voice and blue eyes betraying no feelings at all, but his blond friend knew him too well to be fooled by this. Somewhere near, things went terribly wrong.

"Refused? Oh, that's not good. Could you not command-"

Watari was cut mid-sentence by a curt "no," from Tatsumi. Hisoka followed the exchange with rapt attention and interest.

"Then it must be very bad indeed," Watari sighted again. If only they knew _what_ was wrong.

"And what's to it? Even the Shikigami protecting Tsuzuki don't always do as he wishes. Everyone can fail using their powers," Hisoka demanded heatedly at the worried looks exchanged between the older men.

"No. A skilled Kagetsukai like Tatsumi never fails to use his powers over shadows. The master's powers are so great the shadows do as he says because they respect him. Things must've gone terribly wrong for them to refuse," Watari explained him patiently.

Tatsumi grunted wildly and uncharacteristically.

"We're wasting our time discussing useless things! Every minute here is one less for Tsuzuki!" he called, looking at his surroundings as if the dirty alley's walls could suddenly change their shape to reveal the missing Shinigami.

"We can't go to the rescue not knowing what are we facing, Tatsumi. Not if we want to actually save Tsuzuki. We came here to collect clues for investigation. Right now we are dangerously unprepared for a situation that, according to your shadows, could prove to be lethal!" Watari insisted, gesturing with his hands at the bodies near them.

"There were no signs. This week was one of the quietest and calmest we've knows this year. Going back to Meifu for research is out of the question because we have no clues," Tatsumi said calmly, analytically. "By this time Tsuzuki could be dead!" the sharp words echoed in the deserted alley.

"Whatever it is, all I can feel is malice. Evil so terrible just being near it can kill a human," Hisoka broke the silence, taking his eyes back to the dead man's corps. "Yet, I cannot feel its wishes. Whatever it is, it is not like any human form," he added with a shudder.

"Can you sense Tsuzuki anywhere near?" Tatsumi asked urgently. The green eyes turned back to him. He shook his head.

"I've already tried. The evil is overwhelming my senses, covering everything else. It's like a tidal wave," Hisoka said sadly, shaking his head.

"Damn! If only we had more time!" Warati's hands were clenched tightly at his sides. The blond rarely cursed but when he did it was in reflection of everybody else's feelings.

"And yet time is a luxury we can't afford. We'll have to relay on out instincts and powers and hope for the best. For Tsuzuki's sake," Tatsumi said, moving down the alley with determination.

"Wait! How do you know where to go?" Hisoka called after his retreating back, but there was no response. Watari shrugged and followed, and Hisoka soon found himself alone.

"Oh? Wait!" he called and ran to catch up with them.

"The feeling of evil and tightness of air is stronger here then the other side of the alley. I don't need to be an Empath to know," Tatsumi finally said after a minute of walking silently.

As they went further into the alley it became darker still. When Tatsumi lifted his eyes he saw a hospital building shadowing that part of the alley. The evil was so strong and so intense now that shudders and shivers ran down his back constantly. He wondered if any human could heal properly with such intense evil so near them.

The alley ended with a dirty and black wall deep in between high buildings. At the left side of it, almost unnoticed, was a heavy metal door. It was once gray but became so dirty with soot over the years the Shinigami nearly missed it.

All Shinigami took a moment to think of what they might encounter inside and how they are going to fend it. Frowning to himself, Tatsumi was forced to wonder exactly how strong that thing was if Tsuzuki could not take it down. He was, after all, the strongest Shinigami in Meifu.

Hisoka placed his hand on the doorknob and the three Shinigami took a deep breath. Hisoka raised his other hand: one finger, two fingers, and three. He opened the door.

The first thing they saw was Tsuzuki, looking exhausted and barely still swaying on his feet. He was trying to concentrate on something. He was holding a protection charm in his hand and looked so defeated and worn out he didn't even noticed them go in. streams of sweat were trickling down his face and over his overly pale skin, making his hair cling to his skull. Shallow wounds on his cheeks were still bleeding – he was too exhausted to even heal himself, a trait that was notably his strongest as it was something he possessed before dying as well.

Tatsumi felt his heart sink, and blind rage coursing in him. "Hisoka, go to him! Do not allow him to drop that piece of paper from his hands!" he called before lunching himself in front of Tsuzuki, Watari close behind.

At first there was nothing to see. The room once was probably a dusty warehouse that the poor dead homeless made shelter of because there was a ragged mattress and pieces of broken furniture smelling heavily of sulfur and urine. Yet none of what little stuff in the room cast any shadow on the floor, despite the light streaming in and making it inevitable.

"Tatsumi…" Watari began, suspicion heavy in his voice. Tatsumi raised his hand to quiet him, but before he completed the gesture the light streaming from the open door had suddenly gone out, causing darkness to engulf the room. It was thick, unnatural and suffocating, not darkness due to lack of light. Just like the shadows said it would be. This darkness was alive. It was an entity of its own.

The sound of door snapping shut caused Tatsumi and Watari to turn around, just in time to hear the agonized scream of someone who knows what's about to happen as well as that they lack the power to stop it. Tsuzuki.

"Tsuzuki!" Tatsumi cried at the darkness surrounding them, but the feel was that the words were dimmed by the darkness, like a feather blanket dimming sound.

When they tried to move both Shinigami found themselves on the floor after being hit with a sudden shock of electricity.

"My brother would like to know who you are," said a cold voice from the misty shadows. That voice made Tatsumi shiver violently, and he quickly got to his feet.

"Or more precisely your name… Shinigami," the voice repeated. The slightest movement of Watari's hair as he moved his head was the only indication of his surprise. The voice was addressing Tatsumi and that worried them both.

"You apparently know a great deal about us while we know nothing about you," Tatsumi said in the hope of gaining more information and time. Something about the situation bothered him immensely.

"Why, isn't that the whole idea behind having an advantage over you?" the cold voice sounded amused.

"What do you want with Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi was clearly not amused. At that, laughter echoed strangely, absorbing into the darkness around then and stilling abruptly.

"Tsuzuki Asato is such a pretty name." A sudden beam of light (or more accurately, a beam of not-darkness) caused both Tatsumi and Watari to turn around. They saw a thin, pale hand with fingers as flexible as spider's legs caressing through Tsuzuki's hair. "Especially to cry out, isn't it?" there was a hidden meaning to the words that Tatsumi didn't like, as if it was meant only for him to understand. He liked it even less that the fingers kept stroking Tsuzuki's hair. Hisoka was there, holding Tsuzuki's hand with one of his own; his green eyes wide open with amazement and following the hand's every movement. Tsuzuki was still conscious and holding the protection charm and yet the hand was still there.

Something was wrong, and Tatsumi had a nagging feeling about it.

"If you have no business with my Shinigami then leave him alone," Tatsumi said quietly, menacingly, following the move of that hand in the beloved hair as well.

"Ah, but I have. I want ravage. I want my brother back. Years ago you have cast upon us a curse and forced us to live underground like rats… and now my brother and I will be reunited and turn invincible. After he takes over a Shinigami's body, that is. No more filthy human bodies that cannot last for too long but a handsome and powerful shell for his dark soul! And once that is done our wrath will be turned to Meifu. We shall leave no stone standing; all will be crushed to dust. No death angel would dare fight us once we're done there, that I've sworn!" the cold voice exclaimed angrily, the words obviously pent up for a long time. "And I _will_be true to my words!" the owner of the voice appeared from the shadows and Tatsumi closed his eyes and dropped his head with realization and shame.

The white, colorless face were narrow, red eyes with snake-like pupils stood out with no eyebrows or lashes to protect them, in a bald head. The nose was snake-like, the nostrils only a thin line over flat surface. The mouth was a lipless line like a drawing of a pencil. It brought flashes of memory and smells of blood and ash rushing back to Tatsumi's mind.

_Tatsumi remembered that case. A very long time ago, nearly a week after he had arrived to Meifu, a series of hideous murders shocked Nagasaki and terrorized young women. They were the sole victims at first, until older men who took it upon themselves to escort those women and make sure they're safe were found dead as well. The bodies were seriously abused, some raped and some so broken they've lost human shape. Yet every male body appeared to be unharmed, like they were merely sleeping. The human police was helpless, for no clues were left in the scene of crime and their policemen could not handle the harsh sights. _

_It took a frustrating trail of abused and battered bodies to lead to a pair of demon brothers, who were searching for a female to mate with and who could give birth to yet more evil. Yet every human they approached couldn't stand such evil and died before they could touch her. The brothers took their anger on the bodies and kept searching with further determination for what they wanted._

_The brothers were too powerful to be destroyed in their human form, so the Shinigami tried to deny it from them, thinking that at least that way there would be no more killing and no breeding. Of course they were hoping that this act would weaken the brothers by making it easier to separate them. When standing alone each brother was by far more vulnerable then when united._

_When the battle finally began, the Shinigami had little chance to win if it wasn't for the team effort and well calculated timing. They had managed to separate the brothers and Tatsumi managed to force the one out of his human form. The other brother, half out of his body as well, broke through and took his brother. They opened a link to the underworld and disappeared._

_No one managed to locate them ever since and eventually they were filed away and forgotten._

Tatsumi should have known batter then allowing it to be forgotten. Never before had he felt such intense evil. That was something they should have seen to its destruction before they could rest, for the safety of all.

"How would you feel, Shinigami, when my brother will enter that body and posses it?" it took Tatsumi a second or two to realize that the question was meant for him alone. His skin rose in gooseflesh as he realized just how well planned and long awaited that ravage was. Revenge on him. Why must he always bring sorrow to those he loves?

"How would you feel when it's my brother's voice, which I'm sure you remember after hearing him scream his agony, coming from those sweet lips you love so much? How would it feel to have my brother's soul inside the body you love to worship every night?" the demon was enjoying himself thoroughly. "_Seii?_" the name was a perfect imitation of the way Tsuzuki would say it at the height of his pleasure.

Neither of their friends moved but Tatsumi could feel their eyes on him. They never knew of this and, among many other things, Tatsumi regretted they must learn of it like this. He never wanted to hide his love for Tzusuki but felt that it was something meant for the two of them alone.

"For a long time we've watched you and him loving each other. We don't understand love, nor can we feel it, but we do know how to use it to out advantage," once again the twisted face appeared, this time next to Tsuzuki's. The hand was caressing the pale, sweaty face and the puffs of air from the open line-like mouth were stirring Tsuzuki's curls. Tsuzuki gave a faint sob that tore at Tatsumi's heart.

Tatsumi followed the hand like a man hypnotized with what he was seeing. The touch of the hand left Tsuzuki's skin looking bluish, like frostbite. With wonder he saw that Hisoka, whose green eyes followed the hand's every move with rapt attention again, was still holding Tsuzuki's hand, and that Tsuzuki still held the protection card. The demon managed to bypass the magic…

And that was it!

Watari caught his eye and looked at him meaningfully. He noticed too. The demon, the second demon, was not completely in this world. The darkness, the brother whose form was denied, might be but the pale one had not completely gained a hold in here. He was half in the underworld and half here, and that meant they were vulnerable now. One with no body and the other with magical powers probably waning in order to keep his mirage in this world now.

"You want to take over his body, destroy Meifu and then be back to spreading your evil seed in the world? Fine. But let him live a while longer. Take me instead," Tatsumi asked somewhat shakily. He took off his glasses and folded them neatly into his pocket so as not to see Watari's attempts to make him change his mind.

Laughter. "As noble as I'm sure that is of you, I'm afraid that it would take out the point of executing revenge on you," the demon drawled, amused.

Tatsumi's already tense muscles tighten as he got more desperate. It was important that the demon agrees or they couldn't defeat it and all would be lost. The last time this option was their last resort. Now with Tsuzuki in danger Tatsumi was not hesitant in using it right away.

"You needn't worry, Tatsumi Seiischiru, your time will come as well. But no just y…" he cut himself off in the middle and listened to something they could not hear. His face contrasted with dismay and anger.

"But brother, we had a plan! Accepting his offer would ruin it! I know how eager you are to avenge your existence but we must be patient!" he called at the darkness. There was a long pause while the darkness spoke so that only it's brother would understand, and then…

"Nothing would come out of it and you are being selfish!" the demon snapped, clearly unhappy that the debate was taking place in front of them. Whatever came after that they could not hear, and the silence was unnerving.

Tatsumi tried with all his might to focus on the fact that the brothers were not in the same plain of existence and that they had a chance to win if the darkness would take the bait but his thoughts kept coming back to Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki sprawled on his bed, the taste of him driving Tatsumi crazy as they kissed endlessly. Tsuzuki sweating and panting, screaming his name at the pick of ecstasy, Tsuzuki sweating and panting surrounded with darkness. Tsuzuki screaming in horror…

"Fine!" the snapping of a cold voice almost made him jump. The horrible white face appeared inches from Tatsumi's, red eyes blazing with anger. Tatsumi had to hold his hand to Watari to keep him from charging and providing unnecessary help.

"Fool," the demon snorted at the gesture, eyeing Watari with disdain. "I don't need you to protect me, Shinigami. You should start thinking about protecting yourself. My brother will have you first, and then in your form we'll… play… with your lover here. See how he'd react…" the cold laughter disappeared before Tatsumi had a change to grab for it in rage.

He took two deep breaths and forced his hands to relax from the bloodless fists they were clenched to. He turned around.

"Yutaka," he addressed a white-faced Watari. The blond looked at him with fear at hearing the always politically-correct secretary calling him by his first name.

"The brothers are weaker when apart. The one speaking isn't really here, as you've noticed. It's but a mirage, and his powers are waning. Once the darkness is in me you must kill me. I'll stall as long as I can but you mustn't hesitate. Nothing will be left of me to save once the darkness has imbedded itself, and if that'll happen the brothers would become invincible and there will be no hope left. You must promise me!" Tatsumi seized Watari by the shoulders and pierced him with his demanding gaze. For a moment hurt and sadness flashed in the honeyed eyes, but then it was gone, replaced with determination.

Watari clapped one of the hands on his shoulders. "I will," he said hoarsely and Tatsumi turned away.

Tatsumi knew that this was it. His soul will cease to exist, not as a human, not as a Shinigami and not in the afterlife. He will disappear from the cosmos.

He sighed. Could there be a greater thing then sacrificing yourself for the one you love and for the peace and quiet of two worlds? As much as he wished to believe there isn't, he knew that there is: spending forever with Tsuzuki in his arms.

He wished he had more time to say goodbye, or at lease memorize the feel of hot skin under his lips, of Tsuzuki moving in him, Tsuzuki's silly antics that while alone would always made him laugh. The way Tsuzuki looked at him after a long separation due to their work…

What's done is done and cannot be undone, he told himself firmly – but it helped little in making the regrets any easier to bear.

A sudden urge made him turn around. Watari was watching him intently, but Tatsumi's sight was unfocused without his glasses. He could only see the mane of blond hair and the white robe. For a moment he considered asking Watari to tell Tsuzuki that he loved him, but thought batter of it. Why make this any harder for his lover?

"I'm sorry," he said instead, and meant every word. He was so sorry for everything he'd done, all the pain he'd caused. "I'm sorry," deep down in a place no one has ever reached, not even Tsuzuki, he was sorry for his existence.

He turned around. Batter make it quick – to get it over with. He was giving his lover a chance for happiness, giving this world a chance to keep on living the same miserable, disease-and-hatred-filled life they've been living up until now. Without him. It wasn't such a great lose anyway.

Tatsumi spread his hands to his sides; inviting the darkness in and sending one last pleading look at Watari without really see him. Could something hurt more then this already is? Why was it so easy and yet so very hard to do the right thing?

He felt himself being surrounded with darkness – a sensation that was at once familiar and strange to him. This darkness made his breath hitch as if he had jumped into a frozen pool.

He felt tendrils of darkness sipping into him. At first it was like teleporting – when his body was beginning to feel like a shadow itself. But then he felt the pain.

Bone smashing; heart wrecking, burning pain. It was like his bones were crashing into his lungs and into one another, like his skin was being ripped from him and boiling with unseen burned, like his muscles and tendons were being torn away.

Someone laughed.

_It suited him well, this end_. That was what crossed Tatsumi's pain fogged mind. It was a morbid punishment for all those he'd loved and hurt. An eye for an eye.

He would have screamed but his vocal cords would not cooperate and his brain was foggy even without the lack of oxygen from his barely functioning lungs. He fell to his knees but something was holding him from breaking down and fainting on the floor.

And suddenly there was Tsuzuki, somehow managing to muster enough strength to run, and now he was kneeling in front of him and holding him. No! How could he do this to him!

Tsuzuki was absorbing the darkness instead of Tatsumi, his hoarse screaming filling the room. Tatsumi wanted to cry out, to push him away… what would his sacrifice be worth if Tsuzuki would die with him?

He made a desperate gesture and tried to get to his feet and push the fool aside again, but his already wrecked knees buckle under the weight of two men and he fell backwards again, losing his consciousness. His last though was that he failed. He failed to protect his friends and loved ones. His death was worthless. He failed them all.

* * *

A blazing pain coursed through Tatsumi's body, paralyzing him. He wanted to reach for his aching head but all he could do was slowly open his eyes to see the orange light of the sunset flowing through the broken windows. He was disoriented. The smell of urine and blood assaulted his senses. He gasped as his eyes moved a little and the world tilted around him.

Within seconds Watari was at his side, his face wet with tears and sweat, unsuccessfully trying to strangle a sob, and then another. Tatsumi could only watch with confusion. Where was he? And why was Watari crying? And why everything seems to hurt so badly?

The pain… there was a reason for it all. Something that he should have remembered…

And then it all came back to him: the darkness and the demons… but _why_was he still here? He was supposed to be dead and Tsuzuki… Tsuzuki!

The thought alone gave him the strength to move. He dragged himself to the place where the younger Shinigami lay not far from him, crawling on all fours.

Tsuzuki was miraculously still breathing, but his battered body was weakening by the second and numerous wounds were causing him to lose blood rapidly. Even unconscious he looked like someone in great pain. They could lose him every minute.

"You fool," Tstaumi's whisper wavered at the sight of Tsuzuki. He was not thinking clearly. He was chocking on his efforts to breathe properly, and on the pain and the tears. Hands were supporting him from behind and someone was lifting Tsuzuki as well.

Somehow, after all the mess, they were back at Meifu and in the hospital wing where they were tended to and a nurse said they both needed a lot of decent rest before shooing Watari and Hisoka out.

Tataumi felt none of it. Even after the numbness an encounter with such intense evil left was gone, his chest was aching and his now dimmed blue eyes were filled with quiet despair.

* * *

**A/N:**

Baka - Literally, Idiot. A nickname Hisoka is very fond of when addressing Tsuzuki.

Kagetsukai - A shadow master. It's not very clear in the anime, but that's Tatsumi's special power.

Teleporting - A shadow master can teleport through the shadows as long as he can control both ends. It is with this power that Tstaumi saved Tsuzuki from Touda's flames in the Kyoto Arc.

Shikigami - basically they are guardian spirits, creatures that can be summoned by Shinigami. When in battle in the living world, Shikigami appear as various types of mythological beasts. It's not that apparent in the anime but Tsuzuki's Shikigami can also take human form.

Empath - That's Hisoka's special power. This power allows him to feel the emotions of others, read thoughts, see memories, and pick up imprints of clairvoyance off of inanimate objects.


	2. Tatsumi Reacts Accordingly

Chapter 2: Tatsumi React Accordingly

"I didn't know they were… well… together…" Hisoka said awkwardly, trying to hide his nervousness as he discussed that particular subject. He was sitting in Watari's lab, his chest against the back supporter of a red office chair, idly watching 001 and 002 move around.

"Ah, bon. No wonder you didn't know – you can't even say the words out loud," Watari teased, watching the young man's face contrasting with anger.

"Don't call me that!" Hisoka screamed, closing his eyes and clenching his fists, hearing Watari laugh. "And besides, you didn't know either," he said accusingly.

The laughter died on Watari's lips. The truth was that he thought Tatsumi would have given up on Tsuzuki for Hisoka's sake, and therefore was not looking for it. After all, Tatsumi always said that Hisoka was the best thing that happened to Tsuzuki, and that Tsuzuki deserved to be happy.

"What they do with their free time is none of my business, nor is it yours. If they want to spend their time together I can only wish them happiness," the blond said dismissively, turning to his computer and absent-mindedly mixing something green without revealing any of his thoughts.

Hisoka rearrange himself in the chair and tried to imagine the closed, stern secretary and his free, candy-loving and untidy partner together. Somehow it seemed like invading their privacy. Like Watari had said – it was none of their business.

Said Watari was now diving under the table once he noticed that the green solution in the glass he was mixing was beginning to boil for some unknown reason, and Hisoka closed his eyes. Soon enough, a small explosion sound was heard and Hisoka opened his eyes just in time to catch the only surviving pan that went flying in his direction. He caught it and toyed with it while Watari examined the damage and muttered agitatedly something about budgets and a raise.

"How did they defeat those demons anyway? Was it because they… well… _feel_ so strongly towards each other?" Hisoka asked once Watari has calmed down a bit. The blond turned to look at him, a smile playing on his lips.

"As noble as that idea is, their feelings had little to do with actually defeating those demons. Perhaps give them a motive, but nothing more. You see, when the disembodied demon was about to enter Tstaumi, it was about to enter a willing victim. The humans those demons possessed doesn't have the strength a Shinigami have and therefore could not resist being taken over. If a Shinigami was fighting against that disembodied demon they would both be dead, but Tatsumi was willing and the disembodied demon was half in already when Tsuzuki stormed in. The fool's luck played him well, because he was not a willing victim and had to absorb and fight only half the disembodied demon, because the other half was already in Tatsumi. The demon was torn. It was pushed away by Tsuzuki, and then by Tatsumi as he tried to fight it for long enough to push Tsuzuki away. It was weak and could not hold onto any of the bodies. Because it was split between two bodies none of them died, only got seriously drained," Watari explained patiently.

Hisoka seemed to consider the matter. "I guess it must be exciting to know someone was willing to do all that for you," he mussed eventually.

"Yes, it is… or it can be, if Tatsumi would refrain from being the idiot he can sometimes be," Watari argues, a disturbed look crossing his eyes.

He had a good reason to be worried. It's been a week since the incident, and Tstaumi had made a full recovery in only two days. He had returned to his work soon after, declining the offer to take a vacation and collect himself. He hadn't once been to the hospital wing to visit the still unconscious Tsuzuki, and his eyes turned cold and emotionless whenever Watari had asked about the two of them.

It disturbed Watari greatly, and he was even more worried when he noted the bags under the blue eyes, a sign that the secretary was not sleeping well.

Of course he couldn't know that Tatsumi was not sleeping at all after the first couple of nights when all he could dream of was consuming darkness or erotic scenes from nights spend with Tsuzuki.

"Why would Tstaumi act foolishly now?" Hisoka asked with confusion, and startled Watari out of his thoughts.

Watari knew the tortured man's secrets as well as the reason to why he had arrived to Meifu. He also knew why Tatsumi pulled out of the partnership with Tsuzuki – he loved him too much to be able to handle all of Tsuzuki's pain. He couldn't imagine what it took Tsuzuki to persuade Tatsumi into this romance, but he hoped that Tatsumi would remember his feelings for him and have the brains not to leave Tsuzuki once more. It was not something either man could deal with now.

He suddenly remembered what had him thinking of that topic, and laughed to distract Hisoka from getting an answer from him.

"You still can't say it, can you? Tatsumi and Tsuzuki are _lovers_. They _love_ each other. The concept seems to embarrass you greatly and I wonder why that is. Do _you_ have someone in mind?" Watari asked teasingly, watching the young empath turning scarlet red. He laughed again. "Ai, bon," he shook his head while Hisoka jumped to his feet.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

* * *

"…_Which, by the sound of it, was your idea. How like you to offer such a thing." Tsuzuki finished his sentence about the time he was finished with Tatsumi's pants and Tstaumi was finding it hard to concentrate long enough for a coherent replay. He was too busy watching Tsuzuki reach for the shirt, his naked body a feast to his eyes._

_Being dressed by Tsuzuki was rated 4 in Tatsumi's most favorite things list, right after kissing Tsuzuki, making love to Tsuzuki, and waking up in the morning to the tangle of limbs that was Tsuzuki and him._

_Tsuzuki always took extra care to dress him like Tatsumi would dress himself, eager to please him and enjoying teasing him to the brink of madness. _

"_Obviously Konoe would think it's a good idea but I wonder what Watari would have to say in the matter. It seemed like something he would be most passionate about," Tsuzuki got both of Tatsumi's arms through the white button-up's sleeves and was now bending in front of him to start doing the buttons. He managed to do only one before the temptation was too great for him to resist and he placed both hands on Tatsumi's waist, fusing his mouth to Tatsumi's warm abdomen, circling his navel and then thrusting his tongue in, making Tatsumi moan. It was so like him – talking about casual matters while driving Tatsumi mad with arousal. _

_Eventually, when Tatsumi thought he couldn't take it any longer without doing _something_, his torturous lover decided he had had enough for the time being and resumed doing the shirt's buttons. To his credit he was concentrating, stopping only to bite at a nipple and lick a purplish love mark before he was done. _

_He was gone for a short minute and returned holding a blue tie in his hands. It was probably the first he could find. He started doing its knots unsuccessfully. There was a reason why Tsuzuki's ties were always sloppily tied, and eventually Tatsumi had to gently push him away to finish the job._

"_You never learn," he said affectionately, tracing his finger over his lover's lips absently. _

_Tsuzuki nipped at the finger to get his attention, and when he was sure he had it he took the finger into his mouth deliberately. He wrapped his tongue around it and licked at the length of it, grazing his teeth lightly over the skin as he took it further inside. He looked at Tstaumi the entire time, watching the other man swallowing heavily but never breaking the gaze. Tsuzuki smiled – as best as he could in his current state – and licked at the pad of the finger before starting to suckle in earnest. Closing his eyes, he could only hear Tatsumi groan at the sight and the thought of that skilled tongue on other places of his body._

_Tatsumi growled with desire, slipping his finger out of Tsuzuki's mouth and pushing the other man unceremoniously on a chair. He took the cloths off of himself without even considering the care Tsuzuki took to put them on._

_The next moment Tatsumi was kissing Tsuzuki roughly, smashing his lips against Tsuzuki's and drinking in his moans and cries. They parted, looking at each other with darkened eyes. Tatsumi looked at the deep purple of Tsuzuki's eyes and felt like ravishing his beautiful lover and worship him like the first time they made love. _

_He caressed Tsuzuki's kiss-bruised lips, coating his finger with their mixed saliva still shining there, and stroked that finger over Tsuzuki's nipple harshly. When Tsuzuki's mouth opened to cry out he lashed his tongue inside, parting those amazing lips further and sucking the breathe out of him before letting him go._

_Tatsumi fell to his knees in front of Tsuzuki, both breathing harshly. _

"_I thought you were… in a hurry to… get… to the office," Tsuzuki said, out of breath but still teasing. _

"_Oh, I can be very fast when I want to," Tatsumi assured him and parted his knees forcefully, making him moan wildly._

_Tsuzuki held tightly to the chair, his eyes tightly closed when Tatsumi scraped his nails over the sensitive skin of his thighs._

_Throwing his head back, Tsuzuki moaned…_

Tsuzuki moaned.

Tatsumi woke with a start. He looked down at the paper on which he'd fell asleep and saw the scribbled beginning of a sentence gradually turning into a meaningless line. He was at the office, yet the lights were out. One look at the clock told him why: It was 3 AM.

He's sleepless nights have finally taken their toll on him and he had fallen asleep during office time. The others were too reluctant to wake him up, fearing he wouldn't go back to sleep afterwards, that they simply left him be. A good soul placed a blanket on his shoulders at nightfall.

But what had made him wake up?

He looked up to see a hospital-gown-clad Tsuzuki fainting in front of his desk.

He was there in a heartbeat, catching the weaker man before he hit the cold hard floor. He stood in the deserted office holding an unconscious Tsuzuki in his arms. The very last situation he wanted to be in.

However he couldn't leave him there and, wanting to be all business-like, there was only one thing he could do. He heaved Tsuzuki in his arms and made it for the hospital wing, his chest tightening at the thought that this would be the last time he would ever feel their bodies flushed like that, warm against each other.

He walked towards the untidy bed at the sterile hospital wing and gingerly placed his charge on it, steeling himself and turning to walk away. He would not even look one last time at what he was leaving behind. He had no need to – that magnificent face would forever be in his mind. Yet it was so much harder then he thought it would be, even so much harder then dying for him. It _hurt_.

His ragged breathing was not enough to supply his body with the needed oxygen and he was beginning to feel dizzy. He reached for the door-frame to regain balance once more.

'_I must leave. Now or I won't be able to do so again. He'll be fine, but I must leave now,'_ he told himself harshly, and was about to do so.

"Hey there…" a hoarse voice from behind him was saying. _Run_, his mind screamed at him. RUN. But instead he turned around to face Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki smiled at him broadly, even if weakly, holding up his hand in invitation. "I'm awake now," he announced, his voice suggestive. Tatsumi felt his stomach clench.

"Go back to sleep. You'll need it," Tatsumi said fiercely, turning to leave once more. So much harder.

"But… Wait! Why won't you stay with me?" Tsuzuki's voice was confused and hurt. "Why… Why won't you even look at me?" Tatsumi turned just in time to see him sitting up, uncovered feet dangling child-like from the edge of the bed. He had the urge to go and cover them up, tuck his former lover back in bed. He looked at the window instead, wondering what to say. Nothing came to his mind, as if it had mysteriously emptied itself when it came to that particular area.

"Are you alright?" Tsuzuki was asking uncertainly.

"We should not be seeing each other anymore," it was as if someone else was talking because the words just left his mouth without him meaning them to. He realized what he was saying just a second too late.

Damn! He didn't know that to say but anything would've been batter that _that_. He wasn't planning on saying it directly. He planned to keep a distance and allow their relationship to cool down a little, hoping Tsuzuki would take the hint. Now he was going to have to find a way of getting off the hook without it looking suspicious. Tsuzuki usually saw right through him and tended to act foolishly and against all reason when it came to his own feelings.

Only now Tsuzuki was looking pale and run-down, like the words were lashing at his skin.

"W…" he gulped, "why?" he asked, visibly trying to stop himself from shaking at the words.

Oh, gods. He should have run from the start, while he still had the chance. Now Tsuzuki was asking him why. Does he still feel the need to ask? On the other hand, Tsuzuki could be thick about certain things.

Perhaps he could use Tsuzuki's shock and guilt to his advantage to keep him from asking anything else, though it pained him to break this abused man's trust thus.

"Because you are reckless, Tsuzuki-san," the formal addressing was in the hope of adding further distance to his words. "Let's face it – you can't even go home without getting yourself into trouble. I cannot always come to your rescue, nor can I always sit in the office doing nothing except worrying about you and wondering wheatear you're okay every time you're on a mission. I cannot change you, and it's not my place to either. So it's for my own sake that I must cut it now. Recent events proved to be too much for me. All that is left to say is get well soon and remember that I'm still your peer, even if not your lover."

He had a very bad feeling when he finished his speech. If he was able to, he would have said he hadn't enjoyed their time together, that there was really no love in him for the other man. Only he couldn't and so he settled on that instead. Besides, wasn't it true? He really couldn't face the guilt that coursed inside of him, the coward man that he was. Hisoka would probably take batter care of Tsuzuki. He had believed in that ever since he saw for himself the bond between the two.

Throughout his speech the expression on Tsuzuki's face changed from hurt to confusion, and then to deep fury. Tatsumi had seen Tsuzuki mad before. In the rare occasions it was never a pleasant sight. His purple, dilated eyes burned like coals as he glared at Tatsumi, his nostrils white and flaring and his lips thinned. There was an aura of power around him that made the hair on the back of Tatsumi's neck stand on edge. It was like a slap in the face, suddenly understanding why this man is the most powerful Shinigami the summons division had.

"Get well, Tsuzuki-san," Tatsumi told him sorrowfully, and turned to leave. That expression on Tsuzuki's face would haunt Tatsumi whenever he would close his eyes, he knew for sure.

He was at the door again when he heard Tsuzuki clapping his hands together four times, a pause between each clap. "That was a smart strategy to use on me, trying to turn the tables on me," Tsuzuki murmured softly, almost as if talking to a frightened child. Tatsumi could hear rustling sounds from behind him but didn't dare to turn around.

The next moment there was a loud explosion sound and the hospital's southern wall blew into pieces, raining dust and broken stone at the corridor outside. Scorching waves of heat were hitting Tatsumi, burning his already rapidly healing skin. It healed so fast he almost didn't feel the pain, but it was enough of an unpleasant sensation to snap him out of his shock.

He turned around to face Tsuzuki, only to find him standing beside his bed, his right hand still outstretched after casting his charm. His eyes were gleaming dangerously as he met Tatsumi's shocked and angry gaze.

"Do I look like a child?" Tsuzuki asked quietly, only it was the calm before the storm. He spread his arms to his sides, forcing the hospital gown to stretch across his broad chest.

Tatsumi gulped, still shocked speechless at the unexpected attack. Only when Tsuzuki pierced him with an angry glare did he managed to force a nod, shaking his head from side to side slowly, and not breaking eye contact.

"Good," Tsuzuki snapped, almost as if this wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. "Does it look like I can't protect myself?" he asked again, pointing at the ruins of what was once the hospital wall. Again, Tatsumi could only nod. From the tone of things he wasn't likely to enjoy what was about to come.

"If I'm no child nor defenseless, why are you treating me as such?" Tsuzuki asked again, angry and hurt. The pain was so raw inside of Tatsumi that he had to face away from Tsuzuki so as not to see his eyes as well as hearing his voice.

"I know why you're doing this," Tsuzuki called accusingly as his back, and he wanted to cry. "You're trying to keep away from me because you think you're endangering me, aren't you? You think I'm not happy with you anymore," Tsuzuki's voice trailed off, as if he's considering whether he should carry on.

"You thing I'm like your mother whom you loved and caused sorrow to," Tsuzuki said into the silence.

Tatsumi felt torn. How easy was he? Were his emotions that obvious? Also, he couldn't lie to himself – so far Tsuzuki hadn't said anything that wasn't true, and that hurt. His back went rigid with the effort to pull himself together again. At least Tsuzuki couldn't see him…

"You're trying to protect me, to keep from hurting me. You think it'll be for the best if you stay away from me and wouldn't cause me any further pain."

Each and every word stung, because it was the bitter truth. Tatsumi felt drained of his powers, but he couldn't stop from turning around and facing Tsuzuki again. He hadn't the energy to deny the words.

When Tatsumi turned around to face him, Tsuzuki looked pale and taken aback. So, Tatsumi looked _that_ bad, did he?

"And isn't it so?" Tatsumi replayed warily.

"NO!" Tsuzuki answered quickly. "Don't you see that by pulling away you cause me more sorrow then every possible danger I'll be in because I'm with you? I'm not defenseless and I would…" he fell silent suddenly, going even paler then before. The eyes that were lifted to look at Tatsumi were tortured and pained, but also sincere and determined. "I would undergo all that I had in life, if I'll have your love by my side," he choked on the words and looked away as quickly as possible.

Tatsumi swallowed hard at the words. Saying such a thing was a declaration of love, one that is louder then dying for someone. Louder then any action could, considering what Tsuzuki's life's been like.

Tsuzuki was pale and panting for breath, but still able to move and stand closer. He stumbled, though, and reached blindly for Tatsumi for support, exhaling shallowly. He was obviously at the end of his powers and Tatsumi caught him without even thinking about it. Tsuzuki held onto him like holding for his life. His body was shaking so badly Tatsumi had to struggle to prevent him from slipping to the floor.

"You are not that boy anymore, and I'm not your mother. You can't kill me like you killed her," Tsuzuki whispered in his ear weakly once he was recovered enough to speak, his breath ghosting over Tatsumi's sensitive skin. "I'd face whatever danger and still be with you," he added trustingly, and Tatsumi felt his gut turn.

He wrenched Tsuzuki away, holding him at arm length and looking desperately into his eyes as if trying to force him to understand.

"But I _am_ that boy, Tsuzuki! I'm the same boy I once was, only in an adult's body… I am that… Murderer... And being with me would only lead to further pain!" he said pleadingly. "And you've been through so much already…" His voice choked and faded away as he turned his back on Tsuzuki once more. How many times would he collect himself only to be shattered again tonight?

Tsuzuki quickly flushed himself against Tatsumi's back, holding him from behind. "But there's more then pain. There's also joy! That's why I don't mind!" his voice was luring and coaxing.

"But I do! I do mind! Do you think I could live with myself knowing I've caused you pain?" Tatsumi shouted brokenly, turning to face Tsuzuki again. He was shaking so hard his glasses slipped down the bridge of his nose. "For heaven's sake Asato, I'm not that strong!" his voice was a desperate whisper as he looked down.

"But you are! And you're causing me pain right now by leaving me!" Tsuzuki argued fiercely. Tatsumi reached his hand, caressing Tsuzuki's cheek.

"The pain will be greater if you stayed with me," he told Tsuzuki sadly, gentle and subdued, a contrast to his previous outburst. Tsuzuki jerked away from the caressing hand violently, his eyes ablaze.

"No it won't! The pain is greater now!" Tsuzuki was on the verge of tears and it was heard in his voice.

"It'll pass," the replay was hollow, flat and empty of emotions. Tatsumi didn't dare look Tsuzuki in the eye.

"It will not! How would it feel to have me pulling away from you when you'll need me the most!? How would it feel to you, Seii?" Tsuzuki cried at him, but the words echoed from different lips in Tatsumi's mind.

"…_How would it feel to have my brother's soul inside the body you love to worship every night?" the demon was enjoying himself thoroughly. "Seii?"_

Tatsumi felt the blood draining from his face. The recollection was horrible, the mere thought of the demons, of his nearly-but-not-quite failure and the possible consequences of it for Tsuzuki, were still haunting every corner of his mind. The thought of such evil touching Tsuzuki and toying with him felt like a kick in the gut. He was seeing black in front of his eyes, the result of exhaustion and tension and poor emotional state.

Tsuzuki must have guest what the words reminded him of because suddenly long arms were holding him and soothing words were whispered in his ear, endearments and vows.

"No…" Tatsumi gasped, trying weakly to pull away from Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki merely tighten his grip, and was the stronger of them even as weak as he was.

"Don't fight me Seii," Tsuzuki whispered in his ear softly. "We've fought enough."

Tatsumi found his arms around Tsuzuki, holding him as if drowning, his head on Tsuzuki's shoulder. He couldn't let go.

Guilt was a shadow Tatsumi learned to live with. It was always there so he had no choice. This would only turn into something more he would have to live with, another burden to carry and repay for.

As he sat down and pulled a rapidly weakening Tsuzuki into his lap he knew that it would never be the same. Deep inside, in that place not even Tsuzuki could reach, something unyielding formed, hard and persistent, so that every time he would hold Tsuzuki he'll remember his weakness, his shame and his guilt.

END

* * *

A/N:

Bon: Literally, boy. Watari like to call Hisoka that, much to Hisoka's annoyance.

001 & 002: The anime shows us only 003, Watari's owl pet. He has, however, two other pets he keeps in his laboratory, and those are 001 (toucan) ans 002 (penguin).

Also, for those of you anime fans who are confused, the reason Tatsumi chose to become a Shinigami instead of carrying on is that his mother was a well-born woman who constantly grieved despite Tatsumi's attempts to take care of her. Tatsumi eventually killed her (or at least blames himself for her death), and the crime still haunts him. Tsuzuki reminds him of her.


End file.
